Do Something Florida

A Poem By: Max Morgan 

If you’re feeling strange 

Something exotic, 

foolish and rather deranged 

“How do you do something Florida?” 

is a very good question 

So I’m here to offer 

a couple suggestions 

Maybe carjack an old lady 

with a t-shirt gun 

Or host a kids’ competition 

for staring at the sun 

Shave a racial slur 

into the side of your head 

Or bring home something you ran over, 

just make sure that it’s dead 

Eat a painfully hot pepper 

That will ruin your colon 

Or go find some mud 

For your kids to roll in 

But if you don’t have children 

You’d better start cooking 

You can make one, or take one 

When the real parents aren’t looking 

But make sure to name it 

Something obscure or spelled odd 

Like Tangerey or Tryvone 

But never Tara or Todd 

Some more ideas for you: 

Go surfing in a storm 

But leave that kid in your car 

So where it’ll stay nice and warm 

Say “Fuck my employer” 

And get a quite visible 

Big tattoo of a dagger, 

Or a snake in a skull 

Form a bad cover band, 

Based on Styx or Bon Jovi 

And rock your mullet and flying V 

From Ocala to Okeechobee 

Get drunk on your boat 

And go hunting for dolphin 

Or shop for ridiculous knickers 

That you can play golf in 

Start up a meth lab 

Near a police station 

And when they haul you away 

Tell your kids you’re going on vacation 

Go watch an auto race 

And throw shit on the track 

And hell, while you’re in Daytona 

Might as well smoke some crack 

Maybe float down to Cuba, 

Try to assassinate Castro 

You can out run the Coast Guard… 

You’ll have to swim fast though 

If you want to splurge on a new weapon 

But need a good reason 

Go ahead and order that crossbow now 

It’s almost python season 

Grow your hair and make dread locks 

Where sand is sure to get caught 

But be sure to weave 

A few sea shells in your knots 

The Panhandle is a good place 

To look for a wife 

Just don’t be surprised to hear 

That her first husband’s serving life 

That’s right- Her first hubby 

Is probably one big, bad dude 

Better hope he’s not paroled 

Or he’ll be looking for you 

Join a pyramid scheme 

And sell vials of ointment 

That’s designed for couples… 

And helps them cope with disappointment 

Go to Gay Day at Disney 

And celebrate being queer 

Because what looks better than 

Cutoff jeans with mouse ears? 

You want to fit in in Florida? 

There’s a lot you can do 

But the best advice to blend 

Is for you to just be you 

If it feels right, or feels weird 

You should likely commit 

Because the whole state is down 

To see your crazy shit 

Waive your freak flag high 

Here in the Sunshine State 

Mighty Florida, I love you 

And think our people are great